What happens when aging parents in failing health refuse to accept in-home care or move to a safer location? For their adult children, especially those living far away from mom or dad, there are often no simple answers.
Sometimes, as described in this recent Wall Street Journal article, worried kids decide that the only way to overcome parental stubbornness is to resort to deception. In the case involving one Pennsylvania woman and her loved ones a thousand miles away, that’s exactly what happened. Wall Street Journal reporter Clare Ansberry writes about this tough choice, not as a vote in favor of lying to aging parents, but as an example that desperate times do call for desperate measures.
Let’s take a look at this family’s story. It’s yet another reminder of the absolute necessity of thorough planning and open communication long before a crisis arises.
Signs of Parents’ Self-Neglect Worry a Daughter 1,000 Miles Away
Ansberry introduces us to Nonie Heystek, a Pittsburgh woman whose dad and stepmother were showing signs of dementia and self-neglect. “They lived on their own, nearly 1,000 miles from family,” Ansberry writes. “They didn’t want to move and refused in-home help.”
As the Wall Street Journal article tells us, Heystek traveled frequently from Pennsylvania to Minnesota for visits. What she saw worried her.
“[She] could see their world crumbling,” says the article. “Bills weren’t paid. Meals on Wheels deliveries sat uneaten in the refrigerator. Mice roamed their once-meticulous home.”
Determined to Age in Place, but Threatened by Declining Health
The root of the issue, Ansberry explains, had begun a long time before the crisis erupted into full view.
“Nonie first raised the issue when she and her two younger siblings left Minnesota years ago,” Ansberry writes. Heystek had warned her dad and stepmother that, “If you fail to make a plan, you’re planning to fail.” But the couple was determined to stay in their house on a lake for the rest of their lives.
Initially All Was Well, Until Dementia and Isolation Took Over
At first, things went smoothly. According to Heystek, her dad, Hank, was “outgoing and friendly, chatting with neighbors.” (Step-mom Marjorie was more introverted.) But about six years ago, things began to change.
“Hank became uncharacteristically forgetful and talked about his ‘fuzzy brain,’” Ansberry writes. “Nonie urged them to move closer to family or consider senior living. Exchanges often grew heated.”
Then came the COVID pandemic, during which Hank and Marjorie became increasingly isolated. “I would call and they would say they were just fine. I would visit and see all the ways in which it was not fine,” Heystek told the Wall Street Journal.
Parents Refuse Help, Expect Their Daughter to Do It All
As the article relates, the situation kept getting worse until, by 2024, Heystek was making the 1,000-mile trek from Pennsylvania to Minnesota every other week. She was doing her best to provide critical support.
“She paid bills, arranged Meals on Wheels and a driver to take her dad to the grocery store. She consulted with her dad’s doctor and social workers,” says Ansberry. “She invited a home-care provider to meet her parents.”
When Heystek’s dad told the woman they didn’t need help, “I was angry,” Nonie told Ansberry. “I told them, ‘You can get this and do that. I will help you.’ They didn’t. They were expecting me to do everything and I did it as long as I possibly could.”
Caught Between Needy Parents and Issues Closer to Home
Besides her worries for her parents, Heystek was going through other life crises, including a partner in Pittsburgh dealing with late-stage Alzheimer’s, and a college-age daughter in need of mom’s attention. Although Heystek had power of attorney and lived closest to the parents, she kept her siblings well aware of the situation, and they visited when they could.
The issue finally came to a head in late 2024 with a middle-of-the-night call from dad, who told his daughter he was in pain.
“[Heystek] told him to call 911, but he didn’t know how and had refused medical-alert systems,” Ansberry related. “She called a neighbor, who took him to the hospital for emergency hernia surgery. Thinking the crisis would make them open to moving, Nonie found a nearby senior living apartment.”
Again, dad said no. This time, Heystek recalls thinking, “Oh my God. I can’t do this anymore.”
For Worried Daughter, Desperation Led to Deception
Faced with her parents’ intransigence and their deteriorating situation, Heystek reluctantly decided that the only alternative to a court order was creative deception.
“In a desperate effort to get the couple out,” says Ansberry, “Nonie devised a plan involving a fake letter from the water company and a friend impersonating a utility worker. The ruse worked, but she regrets having to resort to such lengths.”
“I am conflicted,” she told Ansberry. “But something had to change.”
Planning Carefully and Keeping Everyone Informed
Heystek’s plan was ingenious.
“She leased a two-bedroom, assisted-living apartment nearby,” Ansberry’s article related. “She typed a letter, ostensibly from the water authority. It said service was being shut off to repair a broken main and advised residents to seek temporary shelter.”
She even made a doorknob hanger reading, “NOTICE: TEMPORARY WATER SHUT OFF” to add authenticity.
Importantly, Heystek let other key people know about her plan: siblings, neighbors, doctors, and staff at the senior-living community. “I wanted everyone to know what I was doing and why,” she told Ansberry. Nearly everyone was supportive. She believed her only alternative was a court order, something she did not want to pursue.
A Well-Timed Visit Home to Spring the Plan Into Action
Ansberry describes what happened next.
“Shortly after, while visiting Hank and Marjorie, [Heystek] retrieved their mail, including the purported water-company letter. She read it aloud. Then Nonie called the number listed and put the phone on speaker.”
Heystek had enlisted the help of friend and former actor Jamie Freel to impersonate the man from the utility company. Freel cooperated willingly. He answered the phone call, “explained the problem and told the couple they would need to leave the house. He asked if Hank and Marjorie had questions. They didn’t.”
A Voice of Authority Finally Prompts Parents to Move
Freel’s voice proved to be the “voice of authority” that finally convinced the parents that moving out was not optional, says Ansberry. When they agreed, the daughter was ready to act.
“She packed Hank and Marjorie’s bags and dog,” she writes. “She told them they could stay at ‘her apartment,’ referring to the apartment in the senior-care community. She stayed with them for a month.”
For the entire month, Heystek relates, her parents never asked to move back. “They forgot they had a home,” she told Ansberry.
24 Million Americans are Caring for an Aging Parent
Heystek’s solution may have been unique, the Wall Street Journal suggests, but her plight is all too common. Nevertheless, the issue of deceiving aging parents seems to be a moral gray area.
“How far is too far when it comes to keeping an aging parent safe?” Ansberry writes. “No one is comfortable with deception, especially involving loved ones. But what if it avoids a health crisis or a legal battle that would pit child against parent? Are there exceptions when dementia is involved?”
According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, these are the kinds of worrying questions facing nearly 24 million Americans who are caring for aging parents.
Families Must Make “Deeply Personal” Decisions
For her article, reporter Ansberry spoke with Rani Snyder of the eldercare-focused John A. Hartford Foundation, who acknowledges that caregiving decisions are deeply personal.
“While she doesn’t advise deception,” Ansberry writes, “she says ‘there is no perfect way’ to handle difficult situations. One thing families can do, she says, is talk early, often and openly about priorities.”
But most of the time, those critical conversations never take place.
“Only 19 percent of adults have talked in detail with loved ones about care preferences, and nearly half haven’t discussed them at all,” says the Wall Street Journal. That’s based on a survey of 1,000 people by Talker Research for LogicMark, a health-monitoring technology company.
Deception May Be Required When Dementia is Involved
According to Jason Resendez, president of the National Alliance for Caregiving, the safety of loved ones with dementia triggers conflicting emotions.
As he told Ansberry, “At some point, it is really outside the ability of someone with dementia to determine what is safe and to ensure their own physical safety. That is entrusted to a family caregiver.”
While Resendez acknowledges that keeping a loved one safe may involve deception, he is quick to add that resorting to deception is not necessarily wrong in dementia cases. “One study, he notes, found that about 96 percent of residential-care staff use some form of deceit with people with dementia,” Ansberry adds.
Daughter Has Learned a Lesson from Her Own Parents
Back in Pennsylvania, Nonie Heystek has now experienced the loss of her dad, her stepmom, and her partner, all of whom died within seven months of each other.
Now 64, she doesn’t want her daughter to experience the pain and stress that she did. Her advice rings clear.
“It’s up to us in our 50s and 60s to really understand that we won’t be independent forever and to start making plans now,” she tells the Wall Street Journal.
Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide
Rajiv Nagaich’s newest program on PBS, called Designing Your Ideal Future, is bringing Rajiv’s powerful message to Americans from coast to coast. This engaging and challenging PBS show is prompting thousands to take a fresh look at the type of planning that will help them succeed in retirement.
In this one-hour PBS special, Rajiv Nagaich takes viewers step-by-step through the principles of creating a retirement plan that truly supports the life you want to live. Instead of generic check-the-box paperwork, Rajiv reveals how to infuse your perspective — your values, goals, and priorities — into every legal document and life plan component so your plan becomes a living system for your future.
Designing Your Ideal Future includes insights from real-world planning examples and a live Q&A with Rajiv Nagaich that answers viewer questions about retirement planning, legal readiness, and family communication. It’s perfect for anyone approaching retirement, currently retired, or responsible for a loved one’s future care — and for those who want a clear, effective approach to planning that prioritizes personal choice and quality of life.
What About You?
You’ve heard Rajiv say it repeatedly: 70 percent of retirement plans will fail. If you know someone whose retirement turned into a nightmare when they were forced into a nursing home, went broke paying for care, or became a burden to their families – and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you – then these materials are your key to retirement success.
Visit your local PBS station’s schedule to find airtimes and learn how to access companion resources — including a free Legal Readiness Quiz and tools to help build your complete LifePlanning system.
Don’t remain among the millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into a retirement they never wanted. Instead, your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always hoped it would be. Start by watching, reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message.
And remember, Age On, everyone!
The post Resorting to Deception: Agonizing Choices When Parents Refuse Help appeared first on Home.
