Talking about the end of life—our eventual death and our wishes for our funeral arrangements—is a tough topic to broach for most families. Discussing death and dying remains a taboo subject in the majority of American households. Yet, making careful plans and discussing those plans with our adult children can be one of the greatest gifts aging parents give their families.
This week on the Blog, we’re taking a look at some of the questions adult kids hesitate to ask their aging parents. For obvious reasons, we suspect that questions about death top the list. We all know the statistics: 100 percent of us will eventually die. As Woody Allen famously said, “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Sadly, unless we’ve made end-of-life plans and discussed them with our families, our loved ones will be forced to make costly and difficult decisions at a time of great emotional stress. To avoid that outcome, we’re presenting excerpts from an article that comes from the New York Times, written by reporter Jancee Dunn. It describes how her family turned what could have been a difficult talk with parents into a positive experience. For reference, we also have a link to a second source, a retrospective view of a 2023 Kiplinger article describing how careful pre-planning helps soften the grief of our passing. We hope these related articles will prompt some healthy conversations with those you love.
Initiating the Family Conversation While Parents are Healthy
New York Times reporter Dunn describes how her sister was the one who initiated the conversation. “It was my sister Dinah’s idea,” Dunn writes. “She had been saying for months that it was time to discuss my parents’ final wishes while they were both still able to weigh in.” But Dunn had repeatedly put off the conversation—and she’s not alone.
She cites research showing that fewer than one third of U.S. residents have advanced-care directives, or detailed medical instructions which would be critical if they were unable to communicate. “Without such instructions, loved ones are left to use guesswork, which can be confusing and chaotic,” Dunn warns.
Lack of Preparation in U.S. May Be Worse Than We Thought
In researching this article, we looked for newer data about advanced care preparation than the pandemic-era figures cited in the New York Times article. This surprising report from the PR Newswire included figures from a 2025 survey, which—if accurate—reveals that the lack of advanced care planning in the U.S. is even worse than advertised.
“Only 5 percent of Americans have an advance care plan in place,” said the article—a huge drop from the common estimate of 30 percent. Even worse, half of all respondents didn’t even understand the meaning of the phrase “advance care planning.” The survey of 2,098 adults was conducted in 2025 by The Harris Poll and commissioned by health technology innovator Backline by DrFirst.
The survey also revealed that only about one respondent in three felt strongly confident that their loved ones would know their health care wishes if they couldn’t speak for themselves. Dr. Colin Banas, chief medical officer for Backline by DrFirst, said these conversations are critical.
“I tell patients it’s one of the most meaningful gifts you can give your loved ones,” he states, “sparing them the burden of making difficult decisions during a medical emergency.”
Overcoming Reluctance with Chocolate Cake and Pizza
Returning to the New York Times article, reporter Dunn goes on to describe what happened next. She says, “I pushed past my reluctance and invited the family over to talk about everything from their positions on resuscitation and funeral plans to who will take their cats. I even tried to make things festive by ordering pizza and baking a chocolate cake.”
In the conversation that followed, family members shared openly about their end-of-life wishes. Notably, everyone shared—not just mom and dad. While the chat over lunch was “occasionally weird,” in Dunn’s words, it wasn’t “sad or awkward.” “Instead,” she notes, “it was a relief to chat openly about my folks’ end-of-life wishes instead of repeatedly stashing them away.”
Start by Getting the Family Meeting Scheduled
In her article, reporter Dunn says the first step is the most basic: ask your family if they’d be open to a family meeting, and then get it on the calendar—ideally face to face but via Zoom if your loved ones are scattered far and wide. While anyone can initiate the family meeting, it’s often best if the aging parent or relative opens the dialogue first.
Dunn spoke with Alua Arthur, an end-of-life doula and the author of the upcoming book “Briefly Perfectly Human,” who noted that broaching the topic might cause hesitation, but getting your affairs in order is really a posthumous gift to your family. “You are sparing them a scenario where they are in the midst of tremendous grief, and then they’re also trying to figure out what to do with all your stuff and where to find your passwords and everything else,” Arthur said.
A Checklist of Topics Can Help Guide the Conversation
To make sure your family covers important bases, Dunn suggests creating a document that the whole family can access, with a checklist of topics and prompts to go over. She spoke with Dr. Mirnova Ceide, geriatric psychiatrist and geriatrician at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, who recommended families consult the end-of-life guidelines from the National Institute on Aging.
“We cannot exert control over the timing and nature of our death,” Diane Meier, a professor of geriatrics and palliative medicine at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, added. “You cannot anticipate exactly what the circumstances will be. So the most important thing to do is to identify someone you trust to speak for you if you are unable to speak for yourself when decisions need to be made.” Your legal documents—especially living will and healthcare power of attorney—need to be updated to eliminate any possible confusion or misunderstanding.
New York Times Article Leaves Out Important Elements
Dunn ends her New York Times article with two final bits of advice. The first is to “get reflective.” This involves encouraging aging family members to discuss things that they still want to do and how the kids might help make those things happen. For example, dad wanted to attend his 65th high school reunion, and Dunn’s sister offered to accompany him.
The second suggestion is to hold regular check-ins. End-of-life care is a huge topic, and the needs of aging loved ones can change, so regular conference calls help keep everyone aware of, and planning for, evolving circumstances. But what’s missing, we noted, was a detailed plan concerning a parent’s long-term care preferences.
When a health crisis strikes, will our adult kids know exactly how and where we wish to age, and what arrangements we’ve made to cover the cost? Without this degree of planning, those we love will be forced to make hard decisions under severe time pressure, with no guidance—and we’ll end up paying the price by being forced unnecessarily into institutional care.
This Blog article describes the critical importance of making our loved ones aware of our care preferences long before the need arises.
Rajiv’s Take: Part of the Goal Has to be Emotional Closure
We asked Rajiv Nagaich for his input on this article. His observation: while pre-planning for our end of life is important, parents need to remember the importance of creating a memorial plan that provides their loved ones and friends with a sense of closure. “The great need your family will experience when you die is for closure,” says Rajiv.
“Closure is what happens when your loved ones are done dealing with your last physical manifestations,” he adds. “It’s the reason cultures all over the world adhere to end-of-life rituals and ceremonies. Your plan needs to make allowances for this important need.”
Funeral Planning: Consider All the Details for Peace of Mind
Rajiv offers a common example: cremation, which is the choice of nearly two-thirds of Americans. “When cremation is your choice,” says Rajiv, “the actual planning does not end till you specify what your loved ones are to do with your remains. Without your clear instructions, your loved ones won’t have a clue what to do, and I hate to say it, but your ashes will end up on the mantle or in the closet. Don’t put your family through that!”
Rajiv acknowledges that many funeral rituals are emotionally difficult, whether loved ones are tossing handfuls of dirt into your grave or, as in his native India, entrusting cremated ashes to the sacred Ganges River. “These things trigger powerful emotions,” says Rajiv, “but that’s how psychological closure is achieved. My advice is to be clear what you want to happen with your physical remains make sure your family has the chance to let go of you, physically and emotionally. You’ll be giving them a great gift.”
For more insight into the specifics of funeral planning, check out this past article from the Blog.
Rajiv Nagaich – Your Retirement Planning Coach and Guide
Rajiv Nagaich’s newest program on PBS, called Designing Your Ideal Future, is bringing Rajiv’s powerful message to Americans from coast to coast. This engaging and challenging PBS show is prompting thousands to take a fresh look at the type of planning that will help them succeed in retirement.
In this one-hour PBS special, Rajiv Nagaich takes viewers step-by-step through the principles of creating a retirement plan that truly supports the life you want to live.
Instead of generic check-the-box paperwork, Rajiv reveals how to infuse your perspective—your values, goals, and priorities—into every legal document and life plan component so your plan becomes a living system for your future. Designing Your Ideal Future includes insights from real-world planning examples and a live Q&A with Rajiv Nagaich that answers viewer questions about retirement planning, legal readiness, and family communication.
It’s perfect for anyone approaching retirement, currently retired, or responsible for a loved one’s future care—and for those who want a clear, effective approach to planning that prioritizes personal choice and quality of life.
What about you? You’ve heard Rajiv say it repeatedly: 70 percent of retirement plans will fail.
If you know someone whose retirement turned into a nightmare when they were forced into a nursing home, went broke paying for care, or became a burden to their families—and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you—then these materials are your key to retirement success.
Visit your local PBS station’s schedule to find airtimes and learn how to access companion resources—including a free Legal Readiness Quiz and tools to help build your complete LifePlanning system.
Don’t remain among the millions of Americans sleepwalking their way into a retirement they never wanted. Instead, your retirement can be the exciting and fulfilling life you’ve always hoped it would be. Start by watching, reading and sharing Rajiv’s important message.
And remember, Age On, everyone!
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