Clutter is the ultimate nemesis for many homeowners, and our aging parents are no exception. Most of our moms and dads have spent decades collecting belongings that now crowd their living spaces.
While these items may seem like a minor nuisance now, they can quickly become a major burden. When parents eventually move or pass away, their lifelong accumulation of stuff becomes a massive task for their children to manage. If you have ever cleaned out a home after a loss, you know it is often a draining and tedious experience. It is much more effective to tackle decluttering early while your parents can still play an active role in the process.
In this article from NextAvenue (first presented here in 2024), author and psychologist Cheryl Maguire provides us with some empathetic and positive recommendations on how to get the decluttering ball rolling in partnership with an aging loved one. This process, if handled well, will not only end up making life easier for you and your mom or dad, it can also transform an onerous chore into a positive, memory-making activity for you and someone you love.
Don’t Wait to Declutter Until Mom is Gone
Maguire begins with some relatable honesty: “My mom is a bit of a hoarder,” she writes. “She’s the type of person who saves her tax paperwork from the past 50 years.”
While Maguire likes to joke with her mom that the idea of cleaning out the basement after her mom’s death was giving her anxiety, the joke had a real basis of truth in it.
But Amy Pickard, an expert on advanced planning and owner of a business called Good to Go in Los Angeles, suggested that Maguire and her mom start decluttering now, and together. “I encourage people to clean out their places with their families,” Pickard says. “That way, you make new memories and it’s actually fun.”
What’s more, there’s truly no downside to decluttering with your adult parent. Pickard notes that “no one has said that was a bad idea” after they organized their home.
Decluttering Brings Out the Stories Behind the Treasures
Heather Aiello, CEO and founder at The Organized You, says that one of the best reasons to declutter with your parents while they are still alive is so that you can hear the stories behind their treasures and belongings. “Once your parent is gone, you will no longer have the opportunity to ask, ‘Why do we use this gravy boat every holiday?’” she says.
Pickard agrees, from personal experience. When her mother died, she didn’t leave behind any details about her funeral, paying her bills, or what to do with her things. This made settling her mother’s estate a real burden for Pickard, and extremely stressful.
Lessons Learned from Mom’s Passing Prompts a Better Approach
On the positive side, this inspired her not to let the same thing happen with her father. She made sure to declutter with him while he was still able to pitch in, at age 68, so he could tell the stories behind items found in his desk.
“We just cleaned out his desk, which took five hours, but we ordered Marion’s (pizza) and put on some ’50s music and we laughed, sang along and reminisced,” she says. Her father also enjoyed the experience: Pickard remembers him saying, “I can see how this process is more fun while I’m alive.” She adds, “It’s one of my favorite memories in the last year of his life.”
Embarking on the Decluttering Journey Together
Tina Priestly, owner and CEO of Ready, Set, REFRESH, a company based in Virginia that offers organizing services, says she was 56 when she helped her mother, aged 85, declutter.
“We embarked on this journey together as she prepared to move into a retirement facility,” she recounts. “Going through items and reminiscing about our memories was not just practical but deeply enriching for both of us.”
Maguire notes that cleaning with your parent can help keep them focused on the job at hand, less susceptible to distraction. On a practical note, Priestly adds that the experience also made her mother’s new home more manageable.
Motivate Mom and Dad by “Normalizing” the Process
Priestly’s discovery is not an isolated thing: parents usually have more stuff than they need, and decluttering can relieve a lot of the burden. “As a parent ages, there is less energy and motivation to get rid of things,” says Barbara Brock, founder of a professional organizing and staging company in Brooklyn.
Pickard agrees, saying, “We need to normalize downsizing. Our culture is obsessed with ascension, but the odds are you’re going to die in a room in an assisted living facility or hospital room with none of your possessions.”
While Maguire understands that most people dread the idea of decluttering, organizing experts shared the following ways to make the process fun.
Decluttering Tip #1: Music Sets the Mood
Music, especially the nostalgic kind, is a great way to lift the mood and inspire discussion about memories the familiar songs bring to mind. Priestly stresses that the key to making the process enjoyable for everyone involved, especially your aging parents, is to approach it with a sense of warmth and nostalgia.
Brock says, “Adding music can add some fun to the often-perceived daunting tasks of decluttering. With a streaming service like Spotify, you can create a playlist or, if your parents have a record player and albums, you can rotate artists.”
Decluttering Tip #2: Add to the Fun with Food
Who doesn’t love a treat in the midst of a tough task? Maguire suggests having some fun food, like pizza or desserts, ready when you take a break from decluttering. It will give you something to look forward to. Another option is to cook a favorite meal together and discuss memories tied to it.
“I feel close to my mom when I bake her recipes,” says Pickard.
Decluttering Tip #3: Share the Memories with Each Item
Don’t forget to ask for details. As you look through old photo albums, talk about the pictures. When you go through old clothes, chat about when those clothes were worn and what memories are connected to them.
“We like to come up with ways to capture stories or memories,” says Aiello. She suggests creating a memory box for each family member. You could also document the information in a journal or record your parents telling the stories as you declutter.
Decluttering Tip #4: Document the Process
Pickard recommends taking pictures before, during and after you declutter so you can see tangible evidence of your hard work. She also recommends taking photos of unusual or funny items you come across, such as old toys or hilarious hairstyle photos from decades past.
Before she decluttered her mom’s house, Pickard says she took lots of photos. When she looks at them now, “it’s so comforting to see how my mom lived, her decor choices and all her belongings exactly where she wanted them. That is nourishing for me.”
Treat Decluttering as an Opportunity
Maguire writes, “The best way to have a positive experience helping your parent sort through their things is to view it as an opportunity to get to know your parent better.”
Aiello agrees, adding, “Engage in conversations, share laughs and cherish the moments spent decluttering.”
Priestly ends the article by saying, “By creating a positive atmosphere, you can turn what may seem daunting into a meaningful bonding experience.”
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